How to Get a Girlfriend (When You're a Terrifying Monster) Review

Verdict: A short, silly, sweet sapphic monster romance: Trillin, a tiny breakaway piece of an all-devouring cosmic entity, falls for Sian, a witch scientist who keeps opening portals into her dimension. Readers love the quirky humour and inventive world; the common complaints are that it is too short, rushed and occasionally confusing.

Best for: Readers who want a quirky, clean, cosy fantasy novella with tentacles.

Heat level: Kisses only

Rating: ★★★☆☆ (3.3/5 — a 3.52 Goodreads average across 2,510 ratings, 3.5 on StoryGraph from 1,529 reviews, and 4.0 stars across 979 Amazon ratings)

Tropes: Human/non-human, monster romance, witch, insta-attraction, portal fantasy, novella.

How to Get a Girlfriend (When You’re a Terrifying Monster) is Marie Cardno’s 2022 sapphic fantasy romance novella from Paper Road Press, the first Monster Girlfriend book. Trillin isn’t technically a person: she is a breakaway piece of consciousness from the Endless, doomed to rejoin it.

It holds a 3.52 average across 2,510 Goodreads ratings, with 50% of them four or five stars, 3.5 on StoryGraph from 1,529 reviews, and 4.0 stars across 979 Amazon ratings.

What Is It About?

When human witch Sian stumbles into her world through an unreliable portal, Trillin suddenly has a reason to work out individuality — one shape-shifting tentacle at a time. Sian insists she is there for science, not the strangely adorable life-form trying to flirt with her.

Keeping Sian safe could draw the attention of the Endless itself, which would swallow Trillin and all her dreams of humanity.

What Works in This Book

Quirky humour: Readers call it goofy, cute and laugh-out-loud — one compares it to a D&D one-shot.
World-building: Several readers say the world is richer than many longer books manage.
Trillin: Readers adore her narration and her attempts to act human.
Setting: One reader enjoyed scenes set in the university city of Dunedin.

Book Synopsis

A shape-shifting eldritch fragment and a portal-hopping witch fall for each other.

What is the optimum number of appendages for love?

My Review

This does exactly what it sets out to do, one fan says: be a fun, silly, cute and cosy read. It is wholesome, strange and short enough for an afternoon.

Length is the recurring issue. Many readers wished it were longer, and several found it rushed, with too much squeezed into about 100 pages. Several found the Endless concept confusing, a few found the romance insta-love or lopsided, and readers expecting spice were surprised by how clean it is.

My honest note: A quirky palate cleanser — go in expecting a novella.

Element	In How to Get a Girlfriend
Central relationship	Trillin (shape-shifting fragment of the Endless) & Sian (witch scientist)
Core tropes	Human/non-human, monster romance, portal fantasy
Setting	The dimension of the Endless and Dunedin
Heat level	Kisses only
Length	115 pages (Kindle listing)
Series	Monster Girlfriend #1 of 3
Content notes	Peril from a devouring cosmic entity

How Spicy Is It?

It isn’t — the author calls it low heat, and readers confirm a kiss is the limit.

Stakes come from the Endless, but readers still describe it as cosy.

Who Should Read This Book?

You’ll likely love it if: you want something short, weird and wholesome. It is on our cozy lesbian romance list.

You may want to skip it if: you want spice or a slow, developed romance.

In short: Tentacles, but make it cute.

What Readers Are Actually Saying (September 2026)

On Goodreads the split is 17% five stars, 33% four, 35% three, 10% two and 2% one. On StoryGraph, 69% tagged it adventurous and 63% funny.

Why readers love it (according to the discourse): The humour first. Second, world-building. Third, Trillin. Fourth, wholesomeness.

What readers argue about and complain about: Too short, above everything. Second, confusing world. Third, insta-love.

The comparison worth making first: This Spells Disaster, another quirky paranormal romcom.

Frequently Asked Questions

How spicy is it?

Not at all. The author describes it as low heat, and readers confirm a kiss is as far as it goes.

Does it have a happy ending?

Yes. The book’s description guarantees an HEA.

How long is it?

A novella of about 115 pages. Many readers wished it were longer.

Is it part of a series?

Yes — it is book one of the Monster Girlfriend series, which has three books.

Is it on Kindle Unlimited?

Yes, when we checked.

If You Loved It, Read These Next

Continue the Monster Girlfriend series, or try This Spells Disaster. Browse our cozy list or the full Book Reviews archive.

The Bottom Line

How to Get a Girlfriend (When You’re a Terrifying Monster) sets out to be a fun, cute monster romcom, and it is. What holds it back is how much it crams into a novella. A quirky treat. Check it on Amazon →